Lessons Learned Living in a Fat Body (A Chat With My Former Self)

Hey champ,

I’ve spent the last few years making small changes to the way I live every day and turning those changes into new, healthy habits.

I see you rolling your eyes man and I know what you’re thinking; ‘fuck off, you’ve become one of those people’. No, I haven’t become one of those people! There’s no skin-tight t-shirts, flexing guns, or lycra workout shorts up in here. I don’t eat salad everyday and I’m no fitness evangelist. But I have made some pretty big changes. I can finally wear clothes that I like! I don’t have to shop at Farmers or The Warehouse looking for anything XXXL and over. You’re gonna love it!  I have some muscles now and run to work most days. Can you believe I run now? I even kinda like it.  Yeah, I have a little loose skin, but I can live with that.

Turns out just doing just a little everyday, eventually turns into a big deal.

It’s all pretty cool man, and for the most part, you’re gonna love it, but I do kinda miss you sometimes.

When I realised this whole weight loss thing was possible and that I could actually do it,  I thought everything would be great, like losing weight would solve nearly all my problems. I thought life as a slim person would be all unicorns and rainbows. Turns out problems don’t discriminate, they just change with you.

Your body is big, soft and pillowy.

Maybe that’s why you love camping and the seclusion of the bush; nobody to judge you and no crowds to avoid. But tents are fraught with danger and sleeping bags might as well be a straight jacket for you. Anything in a tight space just isn’t fun. Not to mention the physical exertion required to get to all the best secluded places. Walking uphill. That shit’s hard. Walking uphill with a temporary house, bed and supplies to keep you alive. That’s killer.  For an obese person your level of fitness isn’t too bad I suppose, but moving 127kgs of human, plus a pack uphill requires a level of fitness you simply don’t have.

You’re a great swimmer, actually, at 127 kilograms, you’re a swimming phenom! If speed to weight ratios were calculated in swimming you’d be some kinda champion. You have an interesting relationship with pools, the beach and water though. Stripping down to your togs shifts your anxiety levels into overdrive, but once you’re in the water you own it. You’ve always been good at sport, people underestimate you, you take advantage of that and make them pay. I think this extends beyond sport too, people tend to tie your weight to your intelligence, motivation, ambition and ability, but again you recognise that and use it to your advantage. Like Sun Tzu said in The Art of War: “appear weak when you are strong.”

You rarely eat in public, even healthy food. You feel like everyone is watching, judging your every bite. In fact, you’ve become so withdrawn you make excuses for why you can’t go out with friends. You feel like you just don’t belong. That’s not good man. When I left you, your confidence was at all time low, you pass it off as shyness but you’re slowly cutting yourself off from the world. Work is about the only time you leave the house these days.

Things are different now.

People don’t underestimate me when I play sport, their expectations are higher and I’ve lost that element of surprise. Where you were considered exceptional at sport, I’m probably only seen as slightly better than average.

Public spaces hold no fear for me. I very rarely catch a bus these days but when I do, I sit where I want and I don’t plan an exit strategy in advance.  I no longer try to go unnoticed and blend into the background. I’m still a low key guy, but I’m happy to be seen and I’m happy to go out with friends. Hell, I’ll even eat in public!

Believe it or not I do miss that big, soft, pillowy body.

There’s never gonna be a bed soft enough to escape my sticky-out hip bones and there is no winner in the nightly knee bone vs knee bone battle as I search for my old sleeping position. I’m yet to find a chair I can sit on for any length of time. I tell ya, life without an arse is tough bro, my tailbone is always right there waiting to make its presence known.

Your belly acts like a shelf when you need to carry something awkward and heavy. How many times have you nursed something ridiculously heavy down our stairs by taking the weight on that big as belly?! Damn I miss that! Now I just have unforgiving hip bones that get in the way. Always in the way.

But sometimes there’s this weird disconnect between you and the new me.

I have a new passport and drivers licence now, but I don’t always recognise the face looking back at me. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in shop windows and have to do a double-take. Is that me?! So often I just don’t feel like this person staring back at me.

So yeah, I miss you sometimes. Maybe I don’t always recognise the new me, but without doubt you’ve helped me gain so much more than I’ve lost. I may not have always enjoyed my time as you but you taught me so much that will stay with me forever.

You grew up fat and did time as a fat adult too. As a morbidly obese man you experienced the world in a body that has been shamed, side-stepped, mocked, misunderstood, and underestimated. This shit doesn’t just happen to women, men experience this stuff too.

Thanks to you and your experiences I have a level of empathy and understanding that most other people in the health, fitness and weight loss space just don’t have. Where they think it’s inspirational to post pictures of their washboard abs, thigh gaps and bikini bridges, I know it’s just obnoxious. They try and motivate you with guilt-inducing messages and objectifying phrases but we both know that’s not helping.

Thanks to you I appreciate the changes I’ve made and doubt I’ll ever take this body for granted. Because of you I’m happy to accept my flaws, I understand that perfection doesn’t really exist and beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder. I understand the body image sold to us by mass media is little more than airbrushed fitness models and the lifestyle they portray is more likely to be attained by winning lotto than losing weight.

You’ve helped me to understand that getting slim and hitting an acceptable number on the scales isn’t the end goal. The real goal is gaining health, self confidence and achieving a lifestyle that’s healthy, sustainable and enjoyable. Weight loss is just happy by-product of all those things combined.

-Shane

I'm sharing everything I learned from losing 60kg (132lbs).

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